THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE

Life tends to unfold in stages. Problems arise when we get stuck on one stage.

 

Life is a bitch. Then you die. So while staring at my navel the other day, I decided that that bitch happens in four stages. Here they are.

 

STAGE ONE: MIMICRY

We are born helpless. We can’t walk, can’t talk, can’t feed ourselves, can’t even do our own damn taxes.

 

As children, the way we’re wired to learn is by watching and mimicking others. First we learn to do physical skills like walk and talk. Then we develop social skills by watching and mimicking our peers around us. Then, finally, in late childhood, we learn to adapt to our culture by observing the rules and norms around us and trying to behave in such a way that is generally considered acceptable by society.

 

The goal of Stage One is to teach us how to function within society so that we can be autonomous, self-sufficient adults. The idea is that the adults in the community around us help us to reach this point through supporting our ability to make decisions and take action ourselves.

 

But some adults and community members around us suck.1 They punish us for our independence. They don’t support our decisions. And therefore we don’t develop autonomy. We get stuck in Stage One, endlessly mimicking those around us, endlessly attempting to please all so that we might not be judged.2

 

In a “normal” healthy individual, Stage One will last until late adolescence and early adulthood.3 For some people, it may last further into adulthood. A select few wake up one day at age 45 realizing they’ve never actually lived for themselves and wonder where the hell the years went.

 

This is Stage One. The mimicry. The constant search for approval and validation. The absence of independent thought and personal values.

 

We must be aware of the standards and expectations of those around us. But we must also become strong enough to act in spite of those standards and expectations when we feel it is necessary. We must develop the ability to act by ourselves and for ourselves.

 

STAGE TWO: SELF-DISCOVERY

In Stage One, we learn to fit in with the people and culture around us. Stage Two is about learning what makes us different from the people and culture around us. Stage Two requires us to begin making decisions for ourselves, to test ourselves, and to understand ourselves and what makes us unique.

 

Stage Two involves a lot of trial-and-error and experimentation. We experiment with living in new places, hanging out with new people, imbibing new substances, and playing with new people’s orifices.

 

In my Stage Two, I ran off and visited fifty-something countries. My brother’s Stage Two was diving headfirst into the political system in Washington DC. Everyone’s Stage Two is slightly different because every one of us is slightly different.

 

Stage Two is a process of self-discovery. We try things. Some of them go well. Some of them don’t. The goal is to stick with the ones that go well and move on.

 

 

Stage Two lasts until we begin to run up against our own limitations. This doesn’t sit well with many people. But despite what Oprah and Deepak Chopra may tell you, discovering your own limitations is a good and healthy thing.

 

You’re just going to be bad at some things, no matter how hard you try. And you need to know what they are. I am not genetically inclined to ever excel at anything athletic whatsoever. It sucked for me to learn that, but I did. I’m also about as capable of feeding myself as an infant drooling applesauce all over the floor. That was important to find out as well. We all must learn what we suck at. And the earlier in our life that we learn it, the better.

 

So we’re just bad at some things. Then there are other things that are great for a while, but begin to have diminishing returns after a few years. Traveling the world is one example. Sexing a ton of people is another. Drinking on a Tuesday night is a third. There are many more. Trust me.

 

Your limitations are important because you must eventually come to the realization that your time on this planet is limited and, therefore, you should spend it on things that matter most. That means realizing that just because you can do something, doesn’t mean you should do it. That means realizing that just because you like certain people doesn’t mean you should be with them. That means realizing that there are opportunity costs to everything and that you can’t have it all.

 

There are some people who never allow themselves to feel limitations — either because they refuse to admit their failures, or because they delude themselves into believing that their limitations don’t exist. These people get stuck in Stage Two.

 

These are the “serial entrepreneurs” who are 38 and living with mom and still haven’t made any money after 15 years of trying. These are the “aspiring actors” who are still waiting tables and haven’t done an audition in two years. These are the people who can’t settle into a long-term relationship because they always have a gnawing feeling that there’s someone better around the corner. These are the people who brush all of their failings aside as “releasing” negativity into the universe or “purging” their baggage from their lives.

 

At some point we all must admit the inevitable: life is short, not all of our dreams can come true, so we should carefully pick and choose what we have the best shot at and commit to it.

 

But people stuck in Stage Two spend most of their time convincing themselves of the opposite. That they are limitless. That they can overcome all. That their life is that of non-stop growth and ascendance in the world, while everyone else can clearly see that they are merely running in place.

 

In healthy individuals, Stage Two begins in mid- to late-adolescence and lasts into a person’s mid-20s to mid-30s.4 People who stay in Stage Two beyond that are popularly referred to as those with “Peter Pan Syndrome” — the eternal adolescents, always discovering themselves but finding nothing.

 

STAGE THREE: COMMITMENT

Once you’ve pushed your own boundaries and either found your limitations (i.e., athletics, the culinary arts) or found the diminishing returns of certain activities (i.e., partying, video games, masturbation) then you are left with what’s both a) actually important to you, and b) what you’re not terrible at. Now it’s time to make your dent in the world.

 

Stage Three is the great consolidation of one’s life. Out go the friends who are draining you and holding you back. Out go the activities and hobbies that are a mindless waste of time. Out go the old dreams that are clearly not coming true anytime soon.

 

Then you double down on what you’re best at and what is best to you. You double down on the most important relationships in your life. You double down on a single mission in life, whether that’s to work on the world’s energy crisis or to be a bitching digital artist or to become an expert in brains or have a bunch of snotty, drooling children. Whatever it is, Stage Three is when you get it done.

 

 

Stage Three is all about maximizing your own potential in this life. It’s all about building your legacy. What will you leave behind when you’re gone? What will people remember you by? Whether that’s a breakthrough study or an amazing new product or an adoring family, Stage Three is about leaving the world a little bit different than the way you found it.

 

Stage Three ends when a combination of two things happen: 1) you feel as though there’s not much else you are able to accomplish, and 2) you get old and tired and find that you would rather sip martinis and do crossword puzzles all day.

 

In “normal” individuals, Stage Three generally lasts from around 30-ish-years-old until one reaches retirement age.

 

People who get lodged in Stage Three often do so because they don’t know how to let go of their ambition and constant desire for more. This inability to let go of the power and influence they crave counteracts the natural calming effects of time and they will often remain driven and hungry well into their 70s and 80s.5

 

STAGE FOUR: LEGACY

People arrive into Stage Four having spent somewhere around half a century investing themselves in what they believed was meaningful and important. They did great things, worked hard, earned everything they have, maybe started a family or a charity or a political or cultural revolution or two, and now they’re done. They’ve reached the age where their energy and circumstances no longer allow them to pursue their purpose any further.

 

The goal of Stage Four then becomes not to create a legacy as much as simply making sure that legacy lasts beyond one’s death.

 

This could be something as simple as supporting and advising their (now grown) children and living vicariously through them. It could mean passing on their projects and work to a protégé or apprentice. It could also mean becoming more politically active to maintain their values in a society that they no longer recognize.

 

 

Stage Four is important psychologically because it makes the ever-growing reality of one’s own mortality more bearable. As humans, we have a deep need to feel as though our lives mean something. This meaning we constantly search for is literally our only psychological defense against the incomprehensibility of this life and the inevitability of our own death.6 To lose that meaning, or to watch it slip away, or to slowly feel as though the world has left you behind, is to stare oblivion in the face and let it consume you willingly.

TO BECOME SUCCESSFUL YOU NEED TO DO THE FOLLOWING:

● BELIEVE:

While others are doubting.

● PLAN:

While others are playing.

● STUDY:

While others are sleeping.

● DECIDE:

While others are delaying.

● PREPARE:

While others are daydreaming.

● BEGIN:

While others are procrastinating.

● WORK:

While others are wishing.

● INVEST:

While others are wasting.

● LISTEN:

While others are talking.

● SMILE:

While others are frowning.

● COMMEND:

While others are criticizing.

● PERSIST:

While others are quitting.

Success begins in the mind of an individual.

The projects are in Lagos, Abuja, Kano, Katsina and Akwa-Ibom.

The Federal Executive Council (FEC) has approved over N5 billion for various contracts in Lagos, Abuja, Kano and Katsina airports.

The meeting presided over by President Muhammadu Buhari in Abuja on Wednesday also approved the dualisation of the Odukpani-Itu-Ikot Ekpene road at the cost of N79.6 billion.

Special adviser to the President on Media and Publicity, Femi Adesina, and the Minister of Works, Babatunde Fashola, revealed this while briefing State House correspondents on decisions reached by the Council at the weekly cabinet meeting.

Mr Adesina said: “The Minister of Aviation presented a memo for the approval of the award of contracts at the Murtala Mohammed International Airport Lagos, Nnnamdi Azikiwe international airport Abuja, Aminu Kano International Airport, Kano and Katsina Airport in Katsina State.

“For Lagos, it is for the expansion of the terminal building at domestic terminal GAT for the sum of N2, 817, 579, 271.99. For the Katsina airport, it is for the expansion of the airport’s apron awarded at N527, 353, 095.12.

“There is also the expansion of Lagos cargo apron areas awarded at N1,982. 943, 242.31.

“Council also approved the expansion of Abuja domestic apron areas at N795, 976, 947.34 and also the expansion of Kano apron area at the cost of N1, 059, 120, 254.37,”

Mr Adesina said when completed, the contracts would go a long way in improving air transportation network in the country.

Mr Fashola revealed that the Council approved the dualisation of the Odukpani-Itu-Ikot Ekpene road at the cost of N79.649 billion.

According to the minister, the approved contract is in relation to the section from Oku Iboku Power Plant to Abak of about 26 kilometre stretch.

“The Ministry of Works and Housing presented the memorandum for the completion of the dualization of the Odukpani-Itu-Ikot Ekpene road. And this is in relation to the section from Oku Iboku Power Plant to Abak of about 26 kilometre stretch.

“Council approved the award to Messers Sematech Nigeria Ltd for N79.649 billion to be executed over 16 months.

“So, this will help complete the dualization gaps between the one awarded to Julius Berger and the section awarded to CCECC.

“When this is done, motorists in that area will now have an option of the dual carriageway instead of the existing single carriageway.

“And this is in recognition of the heavy cargo that passes through that area from the South-South through to the North Central, Benue through Katsina Ala through to the South East to Abia. It’s very very important trade link for the country.”

Asked to give an update on the 2020 contract award for the same project, Mr Fashola expressed regret that there had been paucity of funds to implement the project.

“So, when we awarded the first section, from Odukpani-Itu to Julius Berger in 2016, they could not move to site because of the limited budgetary requisitions.

So, that slowed down work in that area and they didn’t move to site until 2018.

“And the second section, which was from Abak to Ikot Ekpene was awarded in last year, February 2020. We have had to mobilise some Sukuk resources to the area.

“Sometime last year, you might recall that I was there visiting with the governor, I actually went twice and we focused first on the link road from Alese Ugep area because that was a very big bad one, that one used to take like, three, four days to traverse a 70 kilometer road.

“Now, we have that under control, resolved, motorable in the first phase to Odukpani. That has reduced the journey time there to less than two hours, from days. So, again, it’s a work in progress.’’

On the recent collapsed of a section of the Lokoja-Kabba road, the minister attributed the incident to natural causes.

He said: “As we go through the rainy season, this is the context in which to locate the Lokoja-Kabba.

“It’s a failure caused by nature and aging. And, again, an opportunity to share with you what we have. We expect that these things will happen, but we don’t know where it will happen every time.”

While noting that his ministry was often unable to respond to such failures, he called for a contingency maintenance fund, which he said should have a sizable amount.

“So, we’ve been proposing that Nigeria should have an emergency provision in the works budget, but we haven’t been successful enough.

“There must be a contingency, a sizable sum, because when we see failures, last year, we had a problem like that in Kebbi, where roads were washed away.

We couldn’t respond because we didn’t have the resources. But we will lean on FERMA.

“Well, traditionally back in Lagos when I was governor, I think we used to provide about five per cent of our capital expenditure as a contingency fund for emergencies. Something between three and five per cent varies across the world,” he said.