Few days ago I turned down a marriage proposal and it's not easy on me.

Was I dating him? No 

Infact I didn't even expect the proposal. We've been friends for quite a time and we're really close friends. You know that kind of close that you get a phonecall at 2AM asking you to come online just to talk.

Do I like him? Yes, so much

He's everything I like in a man. To me he's just perfect then someone would want to ask why I said no, honestly I didn't even know why I did what I did but this evening everything started making sense to me.

I have to say this before I proceed further.

This man is way beyond my league in every sense, he understands on another level, believes on another level, he sees differently, financially he's way beyond my level too at least for someone who earns $800 a month in Nigeria, just think it. He's been on vacation to three different continents and it surprises him that I have never crossed Nigerian border, it showed in the way he asked me "...even to Ghana".

Now a girl can fantasize about all the good things she can get out of life with such a man by her side. He's able and willing to do anything for your happiness.

But then he isn't mine because I can't impose myself on him but I'd never thought I'd say No to a guy like him but he did.

As I heard that question over the phone I paused and it was almost as if my whole world was at a pause too. Did he just ask me if I'd marry him, God! I couldn't believe my ears and I had to wake up if this is a mere dream.

" I'd give you a response later" I told him and ended the call.

As I ended the call I thought I was supposed to scream, to be happy and feel good about it but I didn't scream, I didn't feel good about it too so I just shoved it away but it refused to go.

Then few days ago I woke up that morning and placed a phonecall. As he answered I told him that my response is no and I wouldn't marry him. I could tell his heart is broken with the news but my heart too is broken by my response too. I'm not happy rejecting him wasn't what I wanted but somehow I had to.

My biggest fear in life is making a decision I'd regret or take steps I would one day wish I had never taken. I just want to be happy in life. Is that too much to want ?

I wanted to say Yes. I really wanted to but if I did then I am not totally honest with my true self because I would be saying yes from my place of need, my place of lack, the places where I felt inadequate and hoped he'd fill, I would not be saying Yes sincerely from a place of purpose, love and meaning.

How did I know this?

It is because of my fears of saying No. If I say No to this man would I get another man as decent as this? As fine as this? As rich as this? And all those questions I asked myself made me know my stand. I don't want this man sincerely.

So since I am not CINDERELLA why trying to force the shoes to fit?

That's why I said No and I hope I find everything I want out of life.

And I hope they make me happy.