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Ugobaby
Life Experience: Spotting The Difference Between True Love And Fake Love (also Called Love Bombing)
~4.9 mins read
Let me paint a picture for you.
Imagine that you have waited your whole life for that special someone. For as long as you can remember you just know that eventually, you would meet the right person, sparks would fly, and you would live happily ever after.
Finally, in your mid-twenties, it’s your first day at a new job and you spot someone from across the room.
The two of you lock eyes, you feel your heart starting to race and before you know it, you are jumping headfirst into a new relationship.
But this relationship is different than any other one that you’ve ever felt. You fall so fast because this person has swept you off your feet. They shower you with gifts, affection, time, love, and complete adoration.
Then, a couple of weeks in, he utters the words that cause your heart to burst in a way you didn’t even know was possible.
“You are everything that I’ve ever wanted.â€
And first the first time in your life you feel like someone is staring into your soul and truly sees you.
Love bombing isn’t something that is new but it is a widespread tactic of manipulation that has even been used by religious institutions.
“Members of the Unification Church of the United States (a notorious cult better known as the Moonies) love bombed new recruits to encourage them to join their fellowship. Other narcissistic cult leaders like Jim Jones and David Koresh used a similar method of excessive positive reinforcement in order to manufacture feelings of intense unity and loyalty.†-Cosmopolitan
Although hypothetically love bombing can be used by anyone, it is most often used by someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
I wanted to find more specific examples from people who had experienced this behavior personally.
Similar to how I asked some of my networks for examples on how they had been gaslighted, I asked those who had been love-bombed if they minded sharing how they have been approached at the beginning of the relationship.
“I showed up to work and there were flowers waiting on my desk. We had been on one date…â€
“He bought matching engraved rings after a week.â€
“There were sticky notes all over the house with cute love notes on every single one… we had been dating for two weeks.â€
“She said that she felt like she had known me her entire life… and I believed her.â€
“Every second that we were together in the beginning he would shower me with affection until one day it just… stopped.â€
“He cooked me an elaborate dinner with candles and set things up to look like we were in Italy. After that night we started dating and he never cooked for me again.â€
“He said that I was everything he had ever wanted.â€
The last example on that list is mine and the story I shared at the beginning was mine as well. The truth was, I was a prime target for someone to manipulate.
I didn’t realize everything that was happening would have been listed in Red Flags 101. All I knew was that for the first time in my life I thought someone truly was my soulmate and I believed what I wanted to believe. From that moment I saw him, my ex had complete and utter control and he knew it.
That’s the whole reasoning beyond love-bombing after all… control.
“It involves using extravagant gestures and displays of affection very early in the relationship to gain power and control. -Huffpostâ€
As far as the duration of the love-bombing, for me, it stopped around the third month. I asked around fifteen people who said they were also love-bombed if they could remember when the love-bombing stopped in their relationship.
The most common answer, on average, was six months.
You may wonder how you will know if someone love-bombed you at the beginning of the relationship.
You will know because eventually, it will stop. Eventually, there will be no more affection and no more acts of “love.†Instead, they will be replaced with contempt and you will realize that all of that affection has been taken away.
It’s important to realize that a healthy relationship will move at a normal speed. It will slowly build and as you get to know each other you will grow to have feelings for each other.
If you recognize that and realize that no one can claim to love you when they don’t know you, then you will protect yourself from falling for these manipulative tactics ever again.
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Ugobaby
Lessons From A Cheating Partner, A Relationship Without Trust.
~5.3 mins read
I was supposed to be out of town.
My
sister, her fiancé and I were en route to America by car. In a
surprising turn of events, we were turned away at the border, so we had
to drive back home.
I would have texted my then-husband (we’ll call him Chris) to let him know I was on my way back.
But, my phone had died.
Chris met me at the door. My eyes darted to the tiny shoes sprawled on the floor and then him. I’m a size 10. He said, “It’s not what you think.â€
I ignored him, blood boiling, and went straight to the bedroom.
There she was, sitting on my bed.
While she was fully clothed, I knew things weren’t right. It was 1 o’clock in the morning, after all.
“What are you doing in my house?†I asked her.
“I’m here to see Chris,†she stuttered. Then, she ran out. Literally. He ran after her and drove her home.
I
had already made up my mind to move to Korea, as our relationship was
tumultuous. He was extremely cruel towards me — even more so when my
business failed, and I’d become depressed.
There
was no love lost. At that point, every ounce of love I had for him had
been wrung out of me. My focus was on how long this had been going on. Had there been other women? Did he always use protection?
Frankly, I was scared for my health.
However, when he came home, the fear trembles were replaced by boisterous laughter.
“I don’t care what you do. I’m moving to Korea, anyway,†I yelled.
Then, came the giggles that grew into a roar.
I
couldn’t stop laughing — at him, at the situation and at the fact that I
had always been faithful to him, no matter how he treated me.
He slapped me. Still, I continued to laugh.
A couple of years after our divorce, he called me and admitted that he had cheated on me throughout our entire marriage. He apologized for everything.
His admission didn’t make me feel good, and, in my opinion, it was completely unnecessary. However, I don’t hate him.
I learned from him — and I’ll never be in a situation like that again.
Here are the four lessons I learned:
Always listen to your intuition
I
never wanted to marry him. I did, though, because I felt he needed me.
In the church bathroom before the ceremony, I remember looking out the
window and imagining myself escaping through it.
Our pre-marital relationship was almost as terrible as our marriage.
If
you feel like your relationship just isn’t right, it’s okay to let it
go. It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks about your decision. It doesn’t
matter that you’ll have to start over. Listen to your internal guidance
system.
We are a product of our environment
The
way he treated me is the same way his father treated his mother. We
don’t always emulate our parents. But, they are the blueprint. Lots of
unlearning has to take place in order not to fall into those exact
patterns.
When
I asked him why his mom never left his father, he responded, “Because
she’s not a whore.†He believed that a woman’s role is to stand by her
partner no matter what.
What are your traumas? How are you dealing with them? Are you actively trying to heal?
Those are some intimate questions. But, I need to know the answers if I am to share intimate space with someone.
Life doesn’t always turn out as planned
I
never thought I’d get a divorce. I wanted my happily-ever-after. I
couldn’t believe that this could be my life. So, I held on firmly to the
belief that Chris would change, even though he only ever showed me
evidence of the contrary. I had an idea of how my life should be, but it was destroying me, because it made me stay. He never did change — at least, not with me.
I
realized that there were worse things than being a divorcée. I could
still have a great life by myself or with someone else if I so chose. I
wasn’t a failure for choosing the wrong partner.
A relationship without trust is no relationship at all
Around
a month after we got married, I found Facebook messages he’d sent a
stranger inviting her to have cybersex with him. When I confronted him,
he said he’d only done it because he was mad at me.
“It was the first time, and I’ll never do it again,†he tried to reassure me.
I didn’t believe him.
Although
I stayed with him, I never trusted him. I’d go searching for
inappropriate messages any chance I got. That is no way to live. A
relationship should be a safe place, a space of open communication. If
you don’t trust your partner, a healthy relationship, in my opinion,
cannot be sustained.
One
of two things is going on: Either the person is doing something behind
your back or they’re not. In both cases, you’re suffering, as stress
leads to too many health conditions to count.
Do I regret getting married at the age of 23? I think the feeling of regret is pointless, since I cannot go back in time. But, boy, did I ever learn. I trust my current partner wholeheartedly. I wouldn’t be with him if I didn’t. While I never imagined I’d be a divorcée, my life post-divorce has been amazing. I’ve had great experiences and forged meaningful connections in so many different countries.
Sometimes, things turn out better than you initially envisioned, even though the road there was exceptionally bumpy.
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