One of the fun moments I just can't forget in a hurry was the day I pranked my dad. 

I was only seventeen at the time but already an anomaly, a commander in chief in art of mi.schiëf.

How could I?

I mean, how could I forget the shock that spilled on his face, the shudder that ensured and lastly watching him scamper out of his own house.

It all began the day I paid a visit to Chisom, a bossom friend of mine. I normally dislike paying visits and still do, but I was propelled to go that day when I learnt his sisters were around.

Alright!... I had a crush on one of his sisters but was yet to make my intentions known to her. Though there were flashes of green lights from my end, I supposedly never made a move pending the perfect time, that time never came.

Okay, back to the story!

I had m@d fun that day at chisom's place, it was one of such epic moments I hoped would last a lifetime, but then time came in the way, severing my fun in half. I needed to leave.

And as they walked me through the exit, my gaze soon caught something frightening.

"Hey! Snake!" I squeaked, pointing to an enclosed spot in their vast sitting room. Their eyes trailed my pointed finger to a bag that housed their toys and suddenly there was a roar of laughter.

"It's not a snake, it's a toy!' The girls chorused amidst giggles while chisom walked up to where the supposed snake laid and picked it up.

"Chicken - heart" He taunted, tossing the toy at me, his sisters resumed their laughter.

I caught the toy in the air and began assessing it. It was a hyper realistic cobra snake with external features like that of a real one. it was indeed a work of art, something next to perfection.

"I would really need this for a project, please" I begged chisom and his sisters "I promise to return it next week"

They obliged without hassle and I went home with it carefully wrapped up in a black nylon bag. En route home, I perfected my plan for a prank, and my victim? My Dad.

Knowing fully well he doesn't return home till nightfall, I tried my best to complete the day's chores. At about 7pm I have already prepared dinner and assembled the food in the living room pending his return. Just above his seat, somewhere next to the ceiling I carefully hung the toy snake. Tied to the snake was a thin thread that was long enough to have the other end outside the house. 

One major ingredient needed for the success of the prank was darkness, and since we were on a 2-months streak of acute blackout, coupled with the fact that our generator was in bad shape, the hope of having light was highly unrealistic. The million dollar ploy was set and execution was a matter of time. 

Dad finally returned few minutes past 8pm and went straight for a shower. He later demanded for his supper and I told him where he could find it. He soon settled on the sofa where the food was placed and set out to eat. A faint candle provided illumination at a corner of the sittingroom. 

I then had to lie to him that i was going to see someone in the next neighborhood and he gave the nod. I quietly went outside where the other end of the thread was, and pulled it a little, the suspended snake left the ceiling and down it went, landing across the bare shoulders of my dad.

Wahala!

Though I could not see what transpired inside, I could hear the yelp of despair, pattering of a thousand steps, amidst crashing sounds from the tray and ceramic plates of food. I saw him run out of the house with body full of sweat, he was panting heavily.

Soon, he disappeared in the dark and returned moments later with some area boys who bore clubs and machetes. Prior to their arrival, I had already gone in to remove the toy snake and had hid it somewhere in my bag. The boys ransacked every nook of the house but found nothing. They even applied kerosene at strategic points of the house in a bid to ward off the snake.

The following day was a sunday, and I watched on from the congregation as my Dad took time to testify of his narrow escape from a mysterious snake. Right after his testimony, the jubilant congregation joined him in thanksgiving while i struggled to suppress my laughter.

And till this day, he never knew what actually transpired that night... May the Lord have mercy on me.

✍️ Ferocity 

 I hope these post-mortem letters find you well! In accordance with the union’s recommendation, I have drafted my will to prepare for the upcoming school year. Looks like they were right! Writing my will took no time at all as I have no assets and crippling student loan debt 10 years into my career. So, with the extra time, I thought I would compose some letters to those I have left behind.

Dear Admin,

The sub-plans are on my desk. All the materials you will need for the lesson can be found… haha, just kidding, go fuck yourself.

Dear Students,

This is not your fault. Unless you refused to wear a mask, then it’s a tiny bit your fault. It may feel as though you are being told your life is not valuable because you are being put in harm’s way. Never let someone make you feel less than and certainly not just for the sake of their convenience. I hope this year teaches you how much we all need to care for each other, but if you learned nothing this year, I hope my death has provided you with a good topic for your college essays.

Dear Favorite Student,

Remember those “it gets better videos”? Well, clearly that was a lie. You are truly our only hope. Please isolate yourself until this is over.

Dear Parents,

The bad news: there is now no one to watch your child during the day.

The good news: parent-teacher conferences will have super flexible hours this year! I believe the hours for the cemetery are from sun up until sundown.

Dear Boyfriend,

(Sorry everyone, I don’t sleep on a cot that pulls out from underneath my desks, I actually have loved ones!)

Despite having a more advanced degree and more years of experience in my field, we both know I made less than you. For that reason, and because I spent most of my salary on school supplies, I am unable to help with the funeral costs. Please feel free to repurpose my “World’s Best Teacher” mugs as you see fit.