But everyday I sit down and tell strangers my situation before they even ask me, and in a moment where I am supposed to be pulling away and holding it all in, I see myself becoming more expressive, creating friendships and building trust. And just maybe these are the things that have been lacking in my life. 

Nobody tells us what grieve is. At first I think it is what humans do when they are sad. Only now I am beginning to see that grieve is deeper than sadness. You would be near correct if you call it an overwhelming despair. 

This is that kind that you can shake off easily, it is not what a single evening stroll can take away, it is not what another job can distract you from, it is not what your friends can even talk you out of. It is what you feel and feel deeply that only you know that only you can bring yourself out of it, but first you need to know why.

That is where the problem is, that you would never know why. And you tell yourself if I could just see why this is going on this particular way at this particular time I'd be better. But at that moment everything eludes you. And life itself seems so small at this point that it looks like you could just run your two palms together and crush it or just put it under your feet and stamp it and everything ends.

Grief swallows the largeness of life. Then you'd understand how easy it was for Heroes to commit suicide because at that point life seemed like a small dot in the middle of a large space of emptiness. It's easy to get rid of it because it is man's nature never to see the beauty in anything small.

And up till now I don't know if what we refer to as grief is the struggle to understand that dot and what is it doing in the midst of emptiness, or whether it is the total surrender to the emptiness itself that we become a part of it.

When you wake up each morning and try to shake yourself up but nothing is interesting anymore. This is when you look at all the people in your life and start to understand that grief is the worst form of loneliness.

Grief is exhausting and they call it a phase of life. But this phase even if it lasts for just 3days runs so long that it almost as if it's completing a cycle that is unending. 

Whether grief is the absence in our hearts as we mourn the death of a loved one, the abrupt end of a relationship or bitterness that lingers on after betrayal, I don't know.

Whether it is the anger of expecting so much or the regret of even trusting with all your heart, I don't know.

But in times like this we must find hope. Hope sometimes is hidden in failures and digging through all our failures to see hope could make one lost it even before it's found.

That is why you need someone to help you do that job. Have a friend that can help you dig through your failures when you can't. 

While we blame society for a lot of things, we ought to know that it is society that keep us alive.

When things go wrong they blame every other person aside themselves. They blame the system that it wasn't designed to favour them, they blame their parents for not giving them the best lives. They blame their relatives for never coming through for them, they blame their schools, they just go on dividing this pie chart that reveals how everyone and everything is responsible for their life. But they refuse to look at the center. They never hold themselves accountable for anything.

My heart breaks for you that you had to survive a broken home to grow into who you are, I am saying sorry to you because of the trauma it left on you but then you didn't have to repeat the same pattern by bringing in another person into your life when you have not completely healed.

So when you start breaking hearts and inflicting pain on these people you start to blame your childhood trauma when obviously it was your choice not to take care of yourself first. Not to fill the empty parts of you and mend the broken parts of you before trying to fill up another person.

How can you blame the system for your failure?

Okay since you already know that this is what the system is, the most bizarre thing to allow happen is to let it fail you. How can you explain to us that you knew the plate of food was poisoned and still went ahead to eat it and tell us not to think that you wanted death for yourself?

Exactly, since you know the system so well, what measures did you take to make it work for you?

What I am asking is what did you do differently?

Before you blame them ask yourself what you had done differently from your father. What have you done differently from your teachers, what have you done differently from the previous generation that failed you.

That's the problem, we keep thinking and talking about what we could have done if we were this or that. But the real talk here is now that you are you what are you doing differently.