Ugobaby
Lawyer : I Give Out As Much Resources As I Can
Wants to meet A Boyfriend : I Need A Change Please!
Articles
74
Followers
31
profile/4770IMG-20200918-WA0002.jpg
Ugobaby
The Truth About Long Lasting Relationships No One Talks About
~5.5 mins read
I’ve had only one successful relationship in my life, but it has lasted for over 17 years. It began under the most unlikely and challenging circumstances. And I credit the Golden Rule of relationships for overcoming those odds.
Our bond strengthens when we follow this rule and weakens when we stray from it. All other acts of love follow when you do this first.
We danced around the border of friends and lovers but never crossed the threshold, despite the constant encouragement of our mutual friends. She was moving to Colorado in less than three months. My opportunity to make something happen was vanishing. I had one chance left.
It was the night of the Jewish holiday of Rosh Hashanah in September of 2002. I went to my parents’ house in Long Island and would not be back in New York City until night time.
“I’ll be at American Trash,” she said. “Come by when you get back.” It was a bar, only a block from my apartment, and a regular hangout spot of ours.
I had my chances with her in the months leading up to this night, but I had always wimped out and opted to play things safe, maintaining our status as friends. And now, with her imminent departure finalized, I was regretting my hesitation.
A decision that shaped the next 17 years
I came home at around 9 PM. And debated what to do for about half-hour. Should I go or let it die? I decided that this opportunity was a priority. I couldn’t let things go without trying.
We kissed that night for the first time. It was around 2 AM. We were drunk, and it was on the corner of 76th Street and 1st Avenue, outside of a 24-hour diner. Hardly romantic, but still memorable.
We dated casually at first. I didn’t think she wanted a long-distance relationship, so I tried to avoid cramming a year of dating into two months.
And then sometime in October, I met a mutual friend, Beth, for dinner. We sipped on margaritas and chowed on roasted duck burritos. She asked me what I thought of my nascent relationship. I told her it wouldn’t go anywhere. “She doesn’t want to start anything serious,” I said.
Beth told me I was mistaken. They had spoken, and Beth had gotten the impression she would embrace a long-distance relationship.
I recall feeling hopeful disappointment with that news. There was a possibility we could make it work, but it would be near impossible. The logistics and the sacrifice. How could I do it?
I didn’t brood for long. I decided that night I would make it my top priority. And if she would do the same, we could make it work.
The magic slips away
November rolled around, and we both ran the New York City Marathon. She left for Colorado the following week. We spoke every night after she left, but I felt the connection slipping away. We’d each get caught up in our day to day lives and eventually move on.
I decided to do something out of character. I threw a surprise birthday party for her on a return trip back home.
I coordinated with all of her close friends to make sure invitations reached everyone in her circle. I found a bar that would host the event. It took a lot of effort to pull this off, but this relationship was my number one priority.
It was a magical night that solidified our relationship. We saw each other only once over the next two months, but we somehow strengthened our bond.
In February, I made what would be my last trip. I was out of vacation days. She had time off from school in April but was having trouble getting affordable tickets.
We hadn’t discussed what our next steps would be, but I knew we would struggle without a planned date of when we’d see each other again.
Our super risky adventure
On a whim, she suggested I move out to Colorado. She might have been joking, but I followed by asking if we should move in together. It was a crazy thing to say. We had been friends for a few years but had dated for only five months. Three of those months were long distance.
We agreed on a plan. Two months later, I quit my job, sold my apartment, and packed up my car for Colorado.
There has been a multitude of ups and downs since those early days. But I still can’t believe the decisions I made back then, so out of character for me.
In all the critical moments of those first five months, I made our relationship the most vital thing in the world. It was more important than my career, social life, and financial condition. I haven’t done that for all 17 years we’ve been together, but I try to remember it during times of struggle.
The golden rule of relationships
Make your relationship the top priority in your life. That’s the golden rule. When you do so, you take chances. You put the other person first. As long as both of you make it a top priority, you’ll find it easier to compromise and look for win-win outcomes. You do kind things for each other without being asked.
All of the loving behaviors that enhance your relationship flow from making that special person your first concern.
During the early stages of a relationship, we’re insecure about our status, uncertain of where we stand. We make our relationships the top priority to achieve that certainty in status.
Time passes. We get comfortable and secure. Our relationship goes from being the top priority to one of many priorities.
Your personal ambitions and desires re-emerge. There’s nothing wrong with that. We need our space, but sometimes we forget the tenuous circumstances that forged our relationship and the risks and sacrifices we made to make them safe and secure. We get lazy and take things for granted.
If that’s where you find yourself, put your other priorities aside, and remember the golden rule.
Written by Barry Davret
Written by Barry Davret
profile/4770IMG-20200918-WA0002.jpg
Ugobaby
For Men Only: What Women Really Want! Learn
~12.0 mins read
If you’re a guy, you’re going to meet a lot of women who don’t have a clue what they want — even if they think they do.
Ditto for women.
Almost all of us want the same handful of things out of a serious relationship. The hard part is figuring out what those are.
We don’t let ourselves want.
When we’re young, we think we want all kinds of stupid things. One time I went on a date with a guy who announced, over breadsticks, that he planned on having kids exactly at the age of 23, during law school, and that I would be doing most of the childcare.
Uh-huh.
Back then, I was eager to become someone’s manic pixie dream wife/hipster author who wrote sad novellas and published think pieces in The New Yorker. So I said something like, “That sounds great!â€
He could tell I was lying. Maybe it was because my voice climbed three octaves, and my eyes filled with terror.
Thankfully, there wasn’t a second date. If nothing else, this guy knew what I wanted more than I did.
Yeah, sad.
The truth was, I wanted someone who would love me, but also let me spend hours a day by myself.
I just thought it was the wrong thing to want.
So I never said it.
The more specific we are, the less we know.
These days, I think the aspiring law school dad didn’t know what he wanted either. He was just very confident he did.
Sometimes you don’t know what you want.
You have to explore. You have to get down on your hands and knees and crawl around in the dark, feeling for it.
That’s terrifying.
So instead, we come up with 5-year-plans full of things we think we want, that sound really impressive to our friends.
Then we don’t do it, and that makes us feel like failures.
The more specific you try to make your life, the harder you screw yourself over. I’ve learned that while you need some kind of life plan, it’s best to keep it loose and flexible. Details cause unnecessary stress. The same thing goes for relationships, which leads me to my friend . . .
Do you keep a secret checklist?
One of my friends had a checklist for every man she dated. The list ran about three pages long. She kept notes on how often he brought her flowers, and the caliber of restaurants he took her to. She also counted the number of button-up shirts in his closet.
My friend communicated none of these expectations.
She kept the list a secret, long enough to do a full inventory on the poor guy. Then she sprung a performance review on him, usually over coffee. If you’re wondering how long her relationships lasted . . .
Not very long.
What my friend really wanted was some sense of certainty and security. She wanted someone she could depend on. The guys she dated couldn’t provide that. Her list was a convoluted search for stability.
When you don’t know what you want, or can’t explain it, you wind up compensating with massive checklists.
Great hair and huge erections aren’t the key to a woman’s heart.
A few months ago, some dude posted a question on some site like Quora, asking why he was still single.
Here’s a summary of his story:
I’m a wildly successful author. I give keynotes to rooms packed with hundreds of avid fans. I work out every single day. I drive a very nice car. I wear an Apple watch. I’m extremely charismatic. I get huge erections, and I have fantastic hair. Women are stupid for not being attracted to me.
Why am I still single?
I almost replied:
Maybe it’s because all you talk about are your huge erections and great hair? Women of substance find that unappealing.
But I didn’t post that.
I decided to write this article instead.
Women only think they want a “nice guy.â€
We make fun of guys now for calling themselves a “nice guy,†before lamenting their lonely Friday nights.
It’s hard to know who really started this whole “nice guy†thing, because there’s an even older stereotype of women sitting around a box of wine, wondering where all the “nice guys†are.
Wanting a “nice guy†is the opposite of subjecting your dates to a 3-page checklist. Nobody can satisfy three pages of demands. But anyone can find a way to call themselves nice.
Axe murderers think they’re nice, just misunderstood.
It’s not helpful.
#NotAllWomen want to bang Chads.
Lots of people assume women seek out the most attractive, assertive, alpha male type in the room. Incels refer to this stereotype as Chad.
And it’s not true. Not everyone wants to bang a celebrity clone with rock-hard abs who drives a Tesla.
Of course, some women want exactly that kind of guy. It’s apparent in the way they dress, look, and act. It practically wafts off them and determines every decision they make, including how much time they spend at the tanning salon — as opposed to the library.
If you don’t want that kind of girl, don’t salivate over her. Let her chase her Chads. Her desires have nothing to do with you.
Look for the quiet girl in the corner, who’s waiting for someone to come up and ask what she’s reading these days.
Confused guys fall for thirst traps.
When guys don’t know what they want, they listen to what Maxim and GQ and targeted ads tell them they should.
They fall into thirst traps, designed by women who want their attention — but have no intention of dating them. Women who build thirst traps usually don’t know what they want either.
The end result?
A bunch of people wind up wasting each other’s time.
There’s no objective definition of “good looking.â€
A hundred little details play into a woman’s perception of someone’s attractiveness. It includes everything from hairstyles to their voice and their conversation skills.
The same goes for a lot of guys.
Don’t try to make yourself attractive to everyone. Instead, look for someone who finds you attractive.
When we grow up, we realize what matters.
There’s something worse than growing up, and that’s growing up without realizing you have. You’ve matured, but you keep settling for immature relationships. Maybe you let go of your expectations completely, and lower your standards to the bottom floor.
You take the stairs back up, a little wiser:
Most of what we think we want in a partner doesn’t matter at all. The things we take for granted, though, are the hardest qualities to find.
Trial and error teaches us what to look for in a partner. It has a lot more to do with shared values and good judgment.
Here’s what everyone really wants in a partner:
Some people just want to date around, which is fine. People ready for long term relationships want someone who:
If you don’t know what you want in a relationship, this is a good starting place. Go from here.
Few people actually show up to a first date with all these qualities polished up and ready to go. But they’re there — at least in a rough, uncut form. The relationship shapes them.
Women want someone who knows themselves.
(So do men.)
Back in high school, I fell for a Mormon guy. He fell for me. We did everything together but kiss, which he refused to do until I converted. His parents wouldn’t let him date an agnostic.
In the end, I didn’t convert for one reason:
Coffee.
Know your priorities, kids.
Obviously, coffee was just a symbol for everything I’d have to give up for that relationship. I wasn’t willing to change fundamental things that I enjoyed to convince someone else I was good enough for them.
My Mormon pseudo-boyfriend couldn’t decide what he really wanted, and so he dumped the choice on me.
So I made the choice.
One night I knelt down in my room and tried to pray to a God I didn’t believe existed like he’d showed me, and I couldn’t do it.
We split up.
Knowing what you want can cause a lot of pain.
Decide what you really want.
When you do, dating will get a little easier.
You’ll tell each other your values. You’ll do it out loud, or you’ll show them with every little move you make. You won’t go chasing after thirst straps, and you won’t feel like you’re slamming your heart in a car door every time someone doesn’t text you back.
You started this thing thinking you were going to learn what women want. You finished knowing that it’s not just about what she wants.
It’s about what you want.
Advertisement
Link socials
Matches
Loading...