I would have been a "happy Cynthia " I thought as I scrolled through my instagram feed. I scrolled down to Jane's post , she just posted pictures of her boyfriend and her in a five star restaurant in Dubai. She had been in Dubai with her boyfriend for two days now, the surprise trip swept her off her feet, it was a gift of congratulation from her boyfriend ,congratulating her for her recent promotion in her company .

 

      " Here I am, in my pajamas stucked with Netflix and a cup of coffee my boyfriend had not called for a month now " I thought aloud 

Oh no! I said as I remembered he called yesterday to ask if I was with his baseball jacket, he'll never be like Jane's boyfriend and offer me a surprise trip. 

         " Hey Cynthia, you didn't get a promotion like Jane either " I yelled at myself for trying to blame my brokenness on my boyfriend, " I am not just lucky, I don't feel like I'll ever be happy " . Dragging a dysfunctional relationship on the ground and carrying an energy draining job on my shoulders. 

 

             Joe and I are not meant for each other, it's obvious and requires no proof to show. But why can't we let the relationship go and live our best lives? Afterall those who are alone are not the lonely ones and the lonely ones aren't alone .

 

             Tired of watching Netflix, waiting for a call that'll never come, I want to chill out, where would I go? With who? With Jane if she wasn't in Dubai, with Claire if she wasn't so much attached to her job. Phew! Let me visit Claire at home, I thought. Home? Does Claire have a home? I giggled, she had literally turned her home into an office branch. 

 

           But then, she loves what she does, she loves her job, Jane loves her boyfriend, both living perfect lives except me. I have both a job and a boyfriend but none is fulfilling. Gosh! I don't want to remember the smell of Joe neither the thought of going to work on Monday morning. 

           "Cynthia " I called out my name as a T-shirt the girl on TV caught my attention, on the T-shirt was a large print of the word FEAR under the printed picture of a snail. What's the connection between the word and the picture I thought. 

 

           What is fear? Fear is Cynthia refusing to let her doubts fly, my heart replied to the question my mind asked.

          I switched off the TV and reflected on the unthought story of my life. I realised I've been sold out by fear.

             Am holding on to Joe even though I know it's a dysfunctional relationship because am afraid I might not get another relationship. 

I am holding on to a job that's draining me emotionally and physically for the fear of not being able to pay my bills. 

 

             My entire life had been centered around fear, fear controlled my narratives, fear of this or fear of that is the reason I did everything I ever done. 

Fear of losing kept me away from winning. 

              How come I trust my fears so much that I still fear to let go of FEAR. 

I think I know the connection between fear and the snail , fear is also like a shell. Snails retreat into their shell when they feel threatened thesame way I resign to fear when I feel like I can't go further. 

 

             The snail doesn't have to face the world in the shell, I also do not have to face my shame and challenge my insecurities when am in my fear. 

But my fear sold me out to the pain killing me now, sold me out to depression. 

               Snails do not move in their shells, they remain where they are, stagnated until they crawl out of their shells. 

 

                 I now see how much I've been a snail but now I'm ready to be the happy Cynthia, so I'll break out of my fear shell to conquer the world. 

 

Fear has a crushing effect on what we think is possible for us. The more you stay in that fear, it keeps you away and locked up from the life you can have. 

Fear of leaving the comfort of the ground can cause you never to fly.

 

Anything worth doing is worth taking a chance on. You have to take a chance on your dreams and take a chance on what you really believe on.