Our friendships form a critical part of our support networks, and they can also be an important part of the life experience. Through our friends, we can learn the power of self-confidence, and we can actually gain a more accurate perspective of ourselves and the world around us. Friends are like a mirror that show us both what we are and what we aren’t. It’s easy for these relationships to become complicated, however, and it’s even easier to find them crossing the line before friendship and infidelity.

It’s our responsibility to ensure that our friendships don’t infringe on our romantic partnerships. Whether we believe that they’re meant for us, or we’re just looking for something we’re not getting at home — there’s no excuse for betraying a partner, and there’s no excuse for letting things get out of hand. You alone are in control of your actions, responses and behaviors; you alone know what you want and are capable of going after it. Don’t let close friends become the hurdles that destroy your partnership. Arm yourself with knowledge and prevent things from going too far.

It can be easier to cross the line than you think. Our friends form an important part of our lives, and we can find ourselves spending a considerable amount of time and emotional energy with them. Sometimes, our friends are there for us when our partners can’t be, or before they’re even on the scene. They hold an important place in our lives, and when we acknowledge that it can become easy for the lines to get blurred.

Emotional affairs occur when we open ourselves up and fall in love with someone that isn’t our partner. This isn’t to say that you have a physical affair with them, but you’ll find yourself opening up to them in intimate ways, and eventually having feelings that should only be shared with the person you’ve committed to building a life with.

It’s important that we spot the warning signs of a friendship close to the edge and learn how to better set and control the boundaries that manage such a situation. Doing this, however, requires us to dig deep and take a good hard look at the things we want (and don’t want) from our lives, relationships, and friendships If your friendship is about to cross the line, there could be a number of reasons why. You alone are responsible for sorting through those reasons to make the right decisions for you and your loved ones.

Emotional affairs come with a number of risks, even though we tend to view them as “less damaging” than physical infidelity. Nothing could be further from the truth, however, as emotional affairs do just as much damage to the health and longevity of our relationships and sense of self as any other sort of cheating can.

Just as physical affairs destroy the sense of trust and passion we hold with our partners, emotional affairs too poison our relationships and forever cast a shadow over the deep and lasting sense of trust we should be building together. When you allow your friend to become more than they should, you pollute the waters of your partnership and make it hard for your other-half to ever swallow another truth from you again.

Cheating is an “act first, ask later” type of behavior, and one that comes with some serious risks to self. Whether you realize it or not, you will come to resent yourself, your behavior and all the choices that you make if you engage in infidelity. This is because this type of behavior forces us to violate our values, as well as the values and pressures that we feel exerted on us by society. The longer you allow yourself to slip up, the worse you’ll feel.

Infidelity, no matter how you engage in it, can lead to a general confusion that makes it hard to keep things straight. When you stray into the arms of another person, you confuse yourself (and your real relationship) by allowing yourself to “fall” for someone who is unavailable (as far as you’re concerned). Over time, this can skew or bend your ideas of passion, romance and true love. Little by little, the lines become blurred and you struggle to make even the most basic of decisions like: who do I build a life with?

Perhaps one of the biggest risks of emotional affairs is the increased possibility that they will cross the line in to the physical realm. While emotional affairs are just as painful and heart-wrenching as physical ones, knowing that your partner had sex with someone else makes it that much worse. Physical transgressions also bring with them a whole different host of risks, which can include unplanned pregnancy, STIs and STDs.

Infidelity happens slowly, and it happens over time, especially when it comes to slipping up with a friend. From sharing intimate secrets, to finding opportunities to be alone together — these are the most common signs that your “friendship” is heading in a disastrous direction.

There are some viewpoints into our lives that just aren’t meant to be shared with others. Sharing intimate details of your life with someone who isn’t your partner, spouse, or immediate family member can be a sign that things are beginning to become more serious than they should. Though our friends provide an important perspective and a sense of support, it’s not necessary for them to revel in the bad in order to be able to help us.

Do you and your friend find yourselveslooking for excuses to hang out alone together? Do you share lots of one-on-one time (whether secretive or out in the open) outside of work or any other sort of required obligations? Think back to the early days of your relationship. It was probably much the same way. When you’re feeling giddy for someone, you look for chances to get them alone; so that you can share and express yourselves without the worry of prying eyes (and ears).

If you’re interested in someone that you consider a friend, then you might have noticed an increased instance of fantasyinvolving them. These fantasies might come in the form of daydreams, or they may come to you at night in the deepest of slumber. However, they occur, they bring with them an important lesson. You’re beginning to think of this person in a light different from that of just friends. You’re thinking of them intimately and in the closest of ways.

We shouldn’t feel compelled to hide our lives or our friends from our partners or spouses, and when we do it is almost always a sign that something is wrong on one side or the other. Hiding a friend from your partner, or hiding the time that you spend with them, can be an early indication that your intentions for that friend are not what they should be. You might want to hide these facts from your partner, or you might want to hide them from yourself.

It’s natural to give our friends gifts, especially on special days (like a birthday) or on special occasions (graduation, buying a house, getting a promotion). It is not, however, normal or acceptable to regularly give them unexpected and highly person gifts. Think watches, jewelry, lingerie. All the things you would give to a romantic partner; but given unexpectedly and without reason. Exchanging personal gifts can be a nice gesture, but it can also be a gesture of something more â€” or intentions that do not lie where they’re meant to.

How often do you find yourself looking for justifications? Or spitting them out before you’re asked? If you’re always looking for a reason to justify why you’re calling that friend, texting them, or wanting to hang out — it could be a sign that your designs on them are different from what they should be. Endless justifications on your part can be a sign of guilt, or a sense that you’re doing something that you want to do, but that you know you shouldn’t be.

It’s only human to look at other relationships and think, “What if?” It’s not natural, however, or healthy to constantly compare your partner to other people. We are who we are, and there is nothing we can do save work to make ourselves better, and work to control our response to the world around us. Feeling unsatisfied or unhappy with your partnership can cause you to look around and compare them against someone like a friend who has caught your eye (or your heart).

One of the most subtle, yet insidious, signs that you might be leaning into a friendship that’s breaking beyond its bounds is the involvement of this friend in your romantic relationship. This happens when you put them in the middle of your relationship, or share troubling details of your partnership that might otherwise be better off shared elsewhere. Armed with this information, they get involved in your partnership and disguise their machination beneath a veil of “concern”. Wedged between you and your partner, they block out all perspective.

Don’t allow your friendship and your partnership to be destroyed by a preventable mistake. If you think your friendship is heading in a direction it never should have gone, get proactive about setting it right with these techniques.

When we’re dealing with a friendship that’s potentially gone off the rails, it’s important that we get our partners and our relationships back into perspective. This means keeping them in focus and keeping too the things we are grateful for in mind. Romantic relationships can be a great boon to our experience if we care for them and nurture them as they ask. When we mistreat them and poison them with betrayals of trust however…that’s when we risk losing them altogether.

If you’re looking at a friendship, that’s becoming more, hit the brakes and put your partner back in the middle of it all. Include them in activities with your friends and put them at the center of potential opportunities to stray. Keep them in perspective — even if they aren’t there with you — and remember that you made a commitment to safeguard their feelings as closely as you would safeguard your own.

Bring them up in conversation and don’t be afraid brag about them or express gratitude openly. Let them know that they mean a lot to you and let others know the same. The more we keep our partners in the center of our perspective, the easier we make it to maintain those relationships and avoid losing them to the pitfalls of infidelity. Make sure this special friend knows where your partner stands and reaffirm your own stance too. Keep your partner or spouse in perspective when thoughts of infidelity arise.

Honesty is crucial to a relationship, and it’s crucial to our friendships as well. If you’ve found yourself in a sticky situation with a friend you’re growing affectionate for, you have to tell your partner and you have to open up to your friend as well. Everyone needs to stay on the same page, and everyone needs to stay abreast of the situation. Once it’s out in the open, it’s that much harder for us to make the wrong choices.

Don’t keep secrets from your partner and don’t keep secrets from your friend either. Find a comfortable and safe time and space, and sit your partner down to let them know what’s going on. Open up about the struggle you’re feeling and let them know what steps you’re taking to resolve it. Answer their questions and don’t shy away from the hard stuff.

Likewise, you also have to open up to your friend and let them know where you’re standing. They might have similar feelings for you, or they might have no idea at all. Either way, they deserve to know the part they will continue to play in your life. Explain yourself and allow them to do the same. All the while, keeping your partnership and the commitments you’ve made at the forefront of everything.

As humans, many of us are only as strong as the opportunities we’re offered. Finding ourselves in delicate or suggestive places makes it that much harder to turn down the chance to satiate our baser instincts. When we’re constantly alone with specific friends, or constantly finding ourselves in places that might otherwise create opportunity — we’re making it easier on ourselves to cheat and stray away from the trust of our partners.

Remove excess opportunities and stop giving yourself the chance to be unfaithful to your partner. Spend time with this friend in a large group, and don’t engage in experiences that could be misconstrued or otherwise seen as having a deeper meaning than they do.

Don’t go out to dinner, just the two of you. Don’t go to the movies or on trips alone. Keep it platonic by removing the chance to fall for one another in any way short of that which is appropriate — friendship. You don’t have to make it harder on yourself, or give yourself tests by putting yourself in compromising situations. Try to keep things on even ground and limit the time you spend together solo if you think something might be brewing between you.

When we’re attracted to someone on any level, we can find our minds moving to places that are inappropriate. Likewise, we can find our conversations moving there too, and this becomes a problem. When we fail to keep things platonic with our friends, we encourage less-than-platonic behavior…and that’s a risk that just doesn’t need to be taken if you think your friendship is already preparing to cross the line.

Talk to your friend about your relationships; support one another. Don’t cross the line, however, and don’t stray into topics that are better left in the bedroom or in the privacy of your own home. Don’t tell them all your partner’s secrets, or what they’re like in bed.

Don’t tell them about that embarrassing mistake they made last summer and don’t give any details that might make it seem as though you’re looking for a different opportunity. Align your conversations and deeds with what you know to be morally respectful to your partner. All couples are different, and we all have different lines. Know yours and don’t let your conversation slide outside of it.

One of the biggest mistakes we can make in this life is failing to look back and analyze the behaviors we engage in and the decisions that we’ve made. The same goes for our relationships, be they platonic or romantic. Whether you’re dealing with a budding romance, or trapped in the middle of something complicated and painful — the only way out is through. And that means taking an introspective look at what matters to you and considering (deeply) where you truly want to end up in this life.

Take a step back and take an introspective look at things. What emotions are you dealing with right now? How did those emotions (or experiences) contribute to the potential idea of breaking your relationship commitments? Look into who you are and what you want. Question yourself and the reason you’re even considering looking to your friend for something you should be getting from your partner.

These answers can provide you with the insight you need to do the right thing. They can also point you in the direction of your true and authentic values and morals. Stop running away from the truths you don’t want to accept. Eventually, they will catch up with you. Look back and be brutally honest with yourself. Are you looking for another person because that’s where your heart really lies? Or are you sabotaging another relationship for the sake of someone who won’t be there tomorrow? You’re the only one who can answer those questions.

Prioritizing our relationships is one of the best things we can do when we feel ourselves caught between a rock and a hard place. This means that we have to look at our friendships and our intimate relationships and put them in the places where they truly belong. You have to put your partner first and learn to put your friend in the second seat — where they belong. Committing to a partner means agreeing to place their needs alongside our own.

Don’t value your friendship over your partnership and don’t give priority to a person who can walk away from you at any time. A friend isn’t beholden to be there with you until the end. A romantic partner has committed to the journey. Stop turning your back on someone who has volunteered for the ride, in favor of someone who hasn’t even bought a ticket yet.

If you cannot prioritize your partner on the same level as a friend, then it’s time to have some hard and serious conversations. Not every romantic relationship is meant to work out forever. Not all friendships are meant to stay platonic. Be brutally honest with yourself and your partner. If you can’t put them first — if you can’t prioritize your relationship in an appropriate and healthy way over your friendships — then it might be time to admit where your passions really lie…both to yourself and to them.

Our friendships can form an important part of our lives, but they can also provide a considerable opportunity for infidelity. When we are extremely close to someone, the feelings we share with them can become complicated — but that does not excuse straying outside the bonds of our marriages or partnerships. If you’re looking at a line that’s becoming blurred with a friend, it’s time to step back and reassess. What do you want? Only you can make the decision.

Keep your partner in perspective. Whenever you’re out with your friends, or engaging in an activity that feels as though it could teeter on the edge, include them or at least keep them in your mind’s eye along with the promises you made. Never lose sight of the love that you share and the promises that you’ve made. Set boundaries with your friend and let them know that they are just as much for their protection as your own. More often than not, we slip into infidelity because we don’t hold firm to our limits. Avoid putting yourself in compromising situations and be honest with your partner about how you’re feeling or what might be going on between you and your friend. Prioritize your relationships and cut the cord if you have to. If you can’t keep it platonic, then you need to make a leap or walk away. You alone are responsible for holding the line. Either commit to your partner, or rethink your future by taking an introspective look at what you truly want and need from a partnership.

Written by E.B. Johnson

A couple of years ago, my now husband and I attended a workshop for couples aptly titled “Rules of Engagement.” It would be at this very workshop where we’d learn something that would change how we both viewed texting and help improve communication within our relationship.

At least twenty couples were present at this workshop, all of different ages, races, ethnicities, religions, and orientations. Some were engaged, and some, like my partner and I, weren’t engaged yet, but in talks about marriage. Some also, like my partner and I, weren’t on their first marriage.

My skin prickled with nervousness as I scanned the room. There’s nothing like one failed marriage to make you wonder if you’ll have a second one in your future. My partner, sensing how tense I’d become, set his hand on my leg.

The moderator began with a doozy: “The person sitting next to you will be the person that makes you grow the most in your entire life. You’ll love them. You’ll hate them, but you’ll either grow together, or you’ll grow apart.”

I turned and looked at my partner and gave him a bit of a half-smile.

Then the moderator began with the first topic: communication. He scanned his eyes over the crowd of couples and said,

“When you text, use it for information, NOT communication.”

A few couples met each other’s eyes and laughed. We were one of them.

The difference, the moderator explained, is this:

“I’ll be there at 7.” (information)

vs.

“I hate how your mother always criticizes my parenting. It’s like she thinks I’m a terrible mother.” (communication)

“Things are always lost when you communicate over text, so don’t do it. Wait until you’re in front of each other. Look into each other’s eyes and tell your partner you don’t like how their mother talks to you. Do not do it over a text message.”

“You,” my partner said, taking my hand, “are the worst at that.”

I looked down sheepishly. I had to admit he was right.

Every person has likely committed this error at least once (or, if you’re like me, buckets of times). Texting is an easy way to connect with our loved ones when we’re away from them.

That moderator was right. There is so much lost when we text. The other person can’t see our facial expressions or our body language or hear how we’re voicing certain things. Without those things in place to flesh out how they should take something, they can fill in the gaps with awfulness and then you’ve got an unnecessary squabble on your hands.

UCLA professor Albert Mehrabian found that 55% of communication is through body language, 38% through vocal tone, pitch, and emphasis, and a mere 7% through words.

The reason why only 7% of our communication is based on words is because sometimes our words don’t match our body language.

Here’s an example: “I don’t have a problem with it,” you say, but your jaw is clenched and your arms are crossed over your chest. Your body language is clearly not matching your words. If you’d just texted that information, your partner wouldn’t know that you, in fact, did have a problem with it, and I bet your partner would be in for a world of fun when you met up.

I, too often, have tried to use texts for communication instead of information. The photo I include above of a text message is a real one from a real conversation I attempted to have with my partner while he and I were both at work. Needless to say, I made things a lot worse by trying to do that over text.

Many people, like myself, choose to text these kind of things because it seems easier. Our phones are always within reach while our loved ones are not.

We also may want things settled now because we’re impulsive. I know when I’m feeling such a way, I want my partner to know now. Plus, my partner and I can be apart for twelve hours at a time, so that can feel like forever.

Further, I don’t like communicating my feelings in person. It makes me feel uncomfortable and vulnerable, and I don’t want to do that in front of anyone, even if it is my forever someone. Also as a writer, I just prefer to write over talk. Writing means I can delete, shape, and re-think things before sending them, while I can’t press “delete” once something has left my lips.

That workshop taught me, though, that it must be something I actively work on. There have been a few occasions now over the years where one of us has said to the other, “Hey, I think it’d be best if we waited to talk about this until later. Remember? Information, not communication?

We all want and deserve happier and healthier relationships, and if we could get that by giving up something as seemingly small as not sharing our feelings over text, why not do it? It could lead to you and your partner having the kind of intimacy and understanding you’d both want.