How Your Childhood Can Affect Your Marriage

Your past has a bigger impact on your present than you think

When Deborah, 38, and Scott, 39, (*not their real names) sat on the couch in my office during a couples counseling session, they described their pursuer-distancer pattern. Deborah seeks more connection and affirmation than Scott is comfortable giving. When Deborah makes demands, Scott retreats because he feels criticized and unworthy.

Deborah put it like this, “I feel so lonely in my marriage like I did growing up. I don’t think my parents cared much about me. They were either fighting or threatening to leave. Eventually, my dad moved out when I was ten and never turned back. My therapist says my fear of abandonment is triggered by Scott’s withdrawal and I know she’s right. But it’s hard to give him space when I need reassurance.” 

Scott reflects, “When Deborah gets clingy and points out my faults, like not paying attention to her, it makes me feel trapped and discouraged. So, I just walk away.”

What I explained to Deborah and Scott is that we tend to have a composite picture of the people who influenced us in the past—their looks, personality, tone of voice, behavior, and other traits. People often gravitate toward relationships that resemble their parents or the way their parents treated them.

For instance, you might pick someone who is emotionally detached because one of your parents was that way. Psychoanalysts refer to this as “repetition compulsion.” It’s an unconscious tendency to want to fix the past, to recreate it, to make it better. 

Everyone has assumptions about how relationships work based on their prior experiences. These assumptions, which include how others treat you, can lead to unrealistic expectations, misunderstandings, and disappointment.