Dating a new person can be fun and exciting. It can also feel awkward these days for a woman who wants to get to know a man well before becoming physically intimate. She may have heard that if sex doesn’t happen by the third date the man will bolt. This is not necessarily true and will be addressed below.  

If a woman is looking to marry, she’ll be wise to listen to her head as well as her heart, to think through what really makes sense for her. It’s important to clarify your boundaries for yourself before a situation arises that may test them. By doing so, you’re more likely to make a good decision when the time comes.

A test drive could go either way. Let’s say the sex is fabulous. But if you don’t know him too well, it could turn out to be the only good thing in your relationship. For most women, compartmentalization doesn’t work so well in this area; he’s likely to become less appealing to you physically if he’s not there for you in other important ways.   

Perhaps, on the other hand, you’re attracted to someone with whom you’re compatible. You really enjoy being with him. The two of you have similar values, interests, and lifestyle preferences. He has fine character traits. Then you take a test drive and it’s disappointing. You might decide to stop seeing him. But if you’re married to him before you have sex, you’ll try harder because you’ve committed to make the relationship good. You won’t give up so soon, and you’re more likely to communicate in a way that results in sexual pleasure and excitement for both of you.

Some marriage minded women think there’s no downside to having casual sex with a man who’s not interested in marriage while they look elsewhere for a husband. These women are fooling themselves.

Sex produces more oxytocin, the “love hormone,” in women than in men. The surge of oxytocin will cause you to feel emotionally attached. Consequently, your interest in finding a marriage minded man will become half-hearted. Men who are looking for a wife will pick up on this.

The “high” from sex in an uncommitted relationship is based on fantasy. It’s fueled by the kind of novelty and unpredictability of a rollercoaster ride.  Lasting intimacy requires trust, and trust takes time. It means knowing your partner is truly there for you, in good times and in other times — for life.

True sexual intimacy, ideally, is a physical, emotional, and spiritual experience that reflects and enhances love, trust, and respect. A good marriage provides the foundation for this.  In such a union, spouses feel free to express the totality of their being, knowing their relationship is to be lifelong; no one is going away.  

Many women have heard that they must have sex with a man by the third date or the guy will lose interest. If you do it to keep a man around, that’s desperation, not love, and he’ll sense it.

If a man is mature and a good prospect for marriage, he’s likely to be patient and not pressure you. He’ll be more interested in creating a future with you than in his immediate gratification at your possible emotional expense.

If your goal is marriage and he’s asking for sex, you’re entitled to find out whether he’s marriage minded. You can ask him, in a relaxed way, whether he’s looking for marriage or for something else. Assure him that you’re not talking about him committing to anyone in particular; you’re just wondering what his thoughts are in general.    

This sort of direct approach can surprise a man who wants to stay single. But, so what? If he wants sex yet balks at the thought of commitment, shouldn’t you know?