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Ellaella
Igbo Community Where Women Marry Women
~3.1 mins read
Anioma, a Delta-Igbo community in Nigeria prides in her age-long culture that crowns the Omu Anioma- a traditional title to a woman, the culture permits an Omu to marry a woman or as many women of her choice. The twist here is that her wife (she is the man in the marriage) is allowed to marry or consort a man of her choice and they both procreate and bear children for the Omu. Most people ask, does the Omu have sexual intercourse? 

History says the tradition of crowning an Omu is from Benin, Igara. Omu means palm front, which connotes fertility hence the stool of the Omu was constituted. Omu stands as Eze Nwanyi, female king in charge of women, female youths, markets, ancestral shrines, businesses. Delta communities that practice the omu system include Abala, Utchi, Aniocha, Oshimili,  Nsukwa clan, Igodo, Ukwuani, Ubulu-Uku among others. 

Igbodo communities differ in their approach as they appoint a council of Omu made up of several Omu and a head.

More importantly, she is the spiritual custodian, the one who advises the male traditional ruler and the town spiritually. That is why they are not allowed to get married so she can maintain a state of chastity. If she is married, she is to leave her matrimonial home. An Omu is also allowed to visit her ex-husband for a given number of hours. However, this remains a grey area as the Omu has refused to discuss their sexual affairs either for or against. Another common question is- How is an Omu selected? 

On the day of coronation after all due diligence has been done, the Omu is presented with her staff of office in the form of a knotted broom, an of, and a circular fan. The broom is a feminine marker but the ofo and the fan are symbols of her new male status and authority. It is widely believed that all Omus lose their femininity to masculinity on this day. They hereby become leaders of their households and the only difference between them and men is the absence of genitals.

In a community where there is an Omu, there is also a male traditional ruler who is recognized as the leader supreme, the Omu is subject to him.  When an Omu is crowned, she leaves her matrimonial home, if married and moves to the palace to reign. At the point of coronation, as she is made a man and bestowed male rights; she can break the kolanut, she becomes a man in a woman.  

The selection of an Omu is patterned in a way that they are different from male chiefs. There is no contest. You don’t aspire to it. God is said to reveal who will become the traditional ruler for women. In some communities, it is hereditary, while in others, it is rotational.

The names of prospective candidates are sent to oracles for confirmation and after the oracle approves, the chosen is informed through a symbolic process. She will either have an eagle feather stuck on her hair or be presented with the ugba-omu, a calabash and one of the official insignia of the office, or she is presented with a piece of nzu, a locally mined chalk. The eagle feather is an indication of an enhanced status, the ugba-omu is the traditional feminine symbol for female traders and signifies her responsibility to women, and the nzu, a ritual chalk, denotes purity and suggests her ritual role.

The recently crowned Omu is Omu Anioma- Obi Martha Dunkwu. Her reign has championed the abolishment of harmful burial rites, she Campaigns and advocates for women’s inheritance to properties. I know you think of Omu’s as traditional women sitting in a shrine disconnected from the rest of the world. Here is a shocker. 

Omu Martha Dunkwu is learned, she holds a degree in comparative religion in the United States. She managed the image of the immediate past Oba of Benin, Oba Erediauwa and Benin Palace and she is media savvy. 

An Omu has no tenure, another Omu can only be appointed when the current one passes. 

No man or woman is allowed to raise their hand or beat an Omu, it is regarded as a slap on the town and the town will retaliate. 
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Ellaella
5 Ways To Solve Conflict In Your Relationship
~2.3 mins read
Every relationship has tough moments. From silly arguments over who forgot to close the toothpaste to full-blown fights over the bills, conflict is a normal part of most relationships.
However, whether or not it is healthy for your connection with each other comes down to how you solve the issues. Here are five healthy tips to keep in mind when you’re trying to restore peace between each other.

1. Stay Calm
In the heat of the moment, losing your cool and screaming something you’ll regret later is just a little too tempting. Speaking from experience, only one of you can be at boiling point at a time. Instead of losing your cool and getting aggressive or cursing, try taking a moment to calm down first.

Walk away, drink some water and count to ten. When you have calmed down, then open up a discussion to solve the problem. You should never feel scared of your partner if they get angry and if you are perhaps it is time to carefully consider if your relationship is bordering on abusive.

2. Focus On The Cause Of The Issue

In the midst of an argument, bringing up the past and getting sidetracked is very easy. Not to mention that sometimes the problem isn’t the reason the argument started.

Often times, the root of the problem is that someone’s needs are not being met in the relationship. If you find that you are both fighting over small and unnecessary issues, carefully discuss if there is a bigger problem and focus on solving the cause, not the symptoms.

3. Do Not Blame Each other

Making statements that attack your partner’s character or personality will cause irreparable damage over time. Blaming each other makes both of you defensive and closed off to communicating. Instead, try to use “I statements” that express how you feel about certain issues.

Also, opt to use “behavior descriptions” instead of character flaws when explaining what upset you in a situation. For example, say “I felt hurt and not trusted by the questions about my time out” instead of saying “your constant jealousy is annoying.”

4. Listen To Understand Not Defend
Before diving into any issue together, remind yourself that you are not on trial. Listen to your partner’s statements and focus on what they are saying and understand the point of their words. Do not get defensive or try to fix anything immediately.

“It’s more about understanding them in that moment, which will eventually bring a resolution, rather than jumping to a resolution.”

5. Compromise
Lastly, after both of you reach an understanding, it is time to find a balance that works for both of you. To keep any relationship healthy, compromisation is key.

Often times, you will be surprised by how easy it is to find the middle-ground. Sometimes a calm discussion and drawing up a plan together will solve the issue.



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