Friends before lovers. Its beautiful when it blossoms into a relationship, but messy when it mutates into a bitter divorce-like separation. Ive experienced both. But it was the lessons from the messy romance that made the beautiful one possible.

On the night Sarah and I ended our relationship, we had only been dating for nineteen days. Typically, you wouldnt call that a relationship, but we had been friends for two years before we started to date, and we acted like boyfriend/girlfriend long before we became a couple.

The night we first kissed, it seemed like the logical next step. We had started as work buddies spending late nights together dealing with linen emergencies at a hotel. Soon, we became best friends, chilling by ourselves at bars, restaurants, and quiet corners of Central Park.

Each day, it seemed, we grew more affectionate with each other but carefully treaded the one-way turnstile that separates friends from lovers.

Then, one night, were hanging out at her apartment, debating what well do for dinner while cuddling in the corner of her couch. Thats when we kiss.

For a while, we stick to kissing and touching but remain fully clothed. We were just friends, we reasoned. Lets not go too far since we havent discussed the next steps. It sounds ridiculous now, but that night, it made a lot of sense.

The plan eventually failed. We skipped dinner, opting to migrate to her bedroom instead.

The next morning, I asked what it meant for us. Our status remained unresolved, but we agreed to go out on a date a few days later.

That date solidified our status, but something felt off. We now had the label of couple, but Sarah seemed torn like she wanted to desire a relationship but couldnt convince herself.

After two weeks, she asked if we could go back to being friends. I said I couldnt, so she promised to give our relationship more thought. A few days later, we parted ways. It would be four years before we communicated again.

The truth is, we both handled that situation poorly. But Im grateful for that experience because I learned much about navigating these delicate romances.

Two years after Sarah, I fell in love with another friend. Only this time, we did everything right. Eighteen years later, were still together.

Six things to know if you fall in love with a friend

1. The one strategy that always fails.

If youve developed feelings for a friend, dont hit them with an ultimatum: either we become a couple, or we never speak again.Even if they do desire you as a lover, is that how you want to begin a relationship?

Once you develop feelings, you may not be able to continue as friends. Thats okay. Have a mature conversation if you feel theres a chance your friend shares a romantic interest, and prepare yourself for an answer you wont like. Decide what kind of friendship would be healthy for you if theres a mismatch of feelings.

2. Sometimes you only get one shot.

One night, on my way home from my parents, I received a text message from my future wife we were friends at the time.

Meet me at American Trash.

She had announced a few days before that shed be moving cross country. I figured the opportunity to make something happen had passed.

The bar was across the street from me, so I figured Id go for a beer, say hello, and go back home.

That night, we kissed at around 2 AM the start of our relationship, which has continued for 18 years. Had I passed up that opportunity, it likely never would have happened.

There will always be a final shot. Sometimes, you only get one. Dont squander your opportunities.

3. Your relationship could make someone the third wheel.

When Sarah and I had our fling, we were part of a group of three friends who hung out often. This dynamic made things awkward for the third person, especially when it ended.

When I started dating my wife, she too was part of a group of friends. It was a larger group seven people but I still treaded cautiously because I didnt want to disrupt our social circle for what might have been another quick fling followed by hurt feelings.

If you love the other person more than your social circle, then go for it. But be mindful and respectful of the impact on mutual friends.

4. Youll never go back to the way things were.

One of two outcomes will happen. Youll live happily ever after, or your romance will fail.

Never assume youll go back to the way things were before. If your coupling ends badly, someone will feel hurt. That person will likely shun contact with you, at least for a while.

Even if you avoid crossing the friend/lover line, once you realize youve fallen in love, your friendship changes because your feelings for each other have changed.

Sure, exceptions happen, and you may go back to being buddies, but thats rare.

If you both share a romantic interest, dont pass up the opportunity for something life-changing to save something that no longer exists.

5. Pseudo dates can boost your confidence.

When two friends of the opposite sex develop feelings for each other, theyre often hesitant to announce their feelings.

Besides the risk of rejection, theres a risk of injuring the friendship, so we keep our crush a secret. In my experience with friendships turned relationships, I noticed a commonality a sign we saw each other as more than buddies.

We went on pseudo-dates the kind of date an established couple would go on but without the expectation or pressure of any romantic play afterward. Theres always light affection on these dates. Examples include handholding, frequent hugs, and cuddling on the couch while watching a movie.

If you find yourself going on pseudo-dates, its a sign you both harbor unspoken feelings for each other. Use that as a confidence builder to have that conversation.

6. The weirdness test.

When I started dating Sarah, it felt natural, like we should be together. When she remarked that it felt weird, I suggested, Maybe you just need to get used to the idea.

Perhaps if I had recognized the significance of her statement, we could have ended things amicably.

Like any other kind of relationship, when it works, it feels right. When its not there, your gut tells you.

If you or your friend makes a similar remark or experiences the same sense of weirdness, dont rationalize it away. You wont come to some grand epiphany while on a spiritual quest. I know it happens in movies, but in real life, not so much.

Friendships between men and women sometimes lead to a desire for something more. When it works, its a beautiful thing. Even when it fails, its better than wondering what might have been.