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Coped

Sometime ago, I was in a counselling session with a lady and she told me that she doesn't like sex, that sex is disgusting and dirty to her and that she hardly had sexual urge.

I was really shocked. So I began to question her to find out what might be the cause in order for her situation to be helped.

I asked her if she was raped, abused sexually or if she was circumcised and she replied in the negative. I became more worried.

I ended the counseling session with her by telling her to seek for help and also not to fail to inform her prospective life partner about her disposition towards sex so that the man will know what he going into and also to avoid problems.

You sex, sexual incompatibility has led to the end of many marriages. A lot of people are enduring marriage, their sexual lives are zero and boring.

Even the thought of having sex doesn't appeal to them because it's always the same thing. Some spouses are cheating on their partners because they are not sexually compatible. It's not something to be taken lightly.

Sex is meant to be enjoyed rather than endure it.

Someone said, "Sex and being sexually compatible are crucial aspects of maintaining a healthy and fulfilling relationship. We can often underestimate how vital a part it plays, yet a mismatch in sexual compatibility is one of the most common causes of relationship ending."

In the first part of this article, I defined what sexual compatibility is and what it is not. To refresh your memory, I said sexual compatibility is when the sexual orientation, ideology, exposure, fantasies, education, experience, expectations, drive, convictions, etc., of two people are in agreement or alignment with each other. It is not when the penis of a man sizes or fits the vigina of a woman. It's a thing of the mind rather than the body and sexual organs. 

In this part 2, we will be looking at how to determine sexual compatibility without sex, what to do when you are sexually incompatible and then the benefits of sexual compatibility. 

How to Determine Sexual Compatibility without Sex 

How do you determine if you are sexually compatible with someone without having sex? The answer is conversation. Yes, conversation! All things being equal, you can know if you are sexually compatible with someone without sex and that is through conversation.

You don't have to engage in fornication to determine sexual compatibility.

FORNICATION IS A CAPITAL SIN. Avoid it. God frowns as it and he will judge those that engaged in it without repentance. 

Inseatd of engaging in premarital sex, you and your prospective partner should sit down and have a meaningful conversation. Bring the matter to the table and iron it out. Ask real questions that matters. Stop all these "Have you eaten?" and "How was your night?" syndrome. 

Having meaningful conversations is what courtship period is about.

It's not about going from eatery to another, or going to the cinema or to the beach. It's a critical moment not to joke with.

Let me warned, DON'T HAVE THIS CONVERSATION BEHIND CLOSED DOORS OR IN A SECLUDED PLACE âš ! Have this conversation in an open place, preferably in a restaurant or church or under supervision of someone.

Ask viewpoint questions... 

How do you view sex generally? Do you see it as something that's dirty and disgusting like the lady in our story? Do you view it as something that is a sin and unholy to engage in? 

Have you had any sexual experience before, like rape or sexual abuse and molestation or you have willing engage in sex? It's important to ask this question because, especially for someone that has been raped and abused sexually, he or she will have a distorted view of sex that needs to be corrected.

What is the sexual education you have received? What did your parents, teachers teach you about sex? What have you learned about sex from watching movies, reading erotic novels and from friends? Discus it. 

Do you like sex? How much? How often do you want it? Do you want it everyday? Weekly? Monthly? Do you want to have a timetable for it? Discuss it.

Do you have a high libido or sexual drive or you don't have a sexual drive at all? Please, discuss it so you don't suffer the son of man and daughter of man. Very important. 

What are your sexual preferences? That is, what type of sex can you engage in? Discus it. We have... 

✅ Penetrative sex, sex through the vigina

✅ Anal sex, sex through the anus. This is ungodly. Don't engage in it! 

✅ Oral sex, sex using the mouth on sexual organs

✅ BSDM, this means bondage, submission, dominion. This is a violent sex.

A type of sex where the woman is either handcuffed, tied or chained somewhere. Sometimes it involves inflicting injury on the other person. 

There are people that actually enjoy sex this way. I have heard stories. Such people need to see a therapist for help.

They are sick.

What type of sexual position to engage in? Is it only missionary you believe in? What about other styles? I have heard someone saying that the only God approved position is missionary, that engaging in other sexual positions is  a sin. It's important to have this discussion. 

What are the things that you can and cannot allow during sex? This has to do with your sexual behavior. Discuss it. 

What are those fantasies you have about sex? Quickie and sex in the kitchen, dinning room, sitting room, car? Discuss it. Do you or your partner have such fantasies or the person agrees with you on that? 

As a virgin, you don't have to wait until you actually engage in sex to know all these things. You have Google, there are books on sex written by BORN AGAIN CHRISTIANS to educate you and to help you prepare ahead of time.

Have these discussions. It is not sinful to have them. However, you should know that just like you will not really know all that a person is during a dating or courtship period, also you will not really know all about your sexual compatibility but then you will have a manageable idea of what to expect.

What to do when you are Sexually Incompatible

What are you going to do if after getting married you discovered that you are sexually incompatible? You don't have to end your marriage like the couple I told you about in part 1 of this article.

You should learn to adapt, adopt and compromise.

In marriage, things will not always go your way. You must learn to adapt to some things, adopt some things and reach a compromise.

For instance, you like oral sex but your partner doesn't like it. Two things are involved here, you can either sacrifice your likeness for oral sex for the sake of your spouse or your spouse adapts to and adopts having oral sex with you. Either of you must sacrifice something. Otherwise, problems which may lead to divorce may ensue.

Marriage involves sacrifice. You must sacrifice some things. It's a must if you don't want to end in divorce.

Now, this sacrifice must be from both couples, not one.

This was what the couple in part 1 of this article didn't understand. You don't have to end your marriage because you are sexually incompatible. Marriage isn't all about sex. 

 

Benefits of Sexual Compatibility 

✅ It leads to sexual satisfaction and fulfillment 

✅ It prevents cheating as a consequence of lack of sexual satisfaction 

✅ It prevents other problems that may ensue as a result of sexual incompatibility. Problems like anger, resentment, bitterness, avoidance, irritation, nagging etc. These emotions are unhealthy for marriage.

In conclusion, don't joke with your courtship period if you don't want to be choked in marriage. Have important and meaningful conversations you need to have. Your marriage is what you make of it.

Thanks for reading